Now what?

As attached I am with my thoughts, I’ve started to realize how I’ve been so detached to people. Choosing to stay alone in my room than going out to catch up with people I know I truly miss has a lot to say. As I try to find the reasons behind such decisions, I sometimes blame my Capricorn sun and moon for being emotionally reserved (no joke, I really do, hahaha).

I want to sort everything out so I decided to go back to what I do best: writing out my feelings and listing everything that’s bothering me. I managed to create a pretty long list with what’s going on with my head:

1. It’s so hard to think and decide for yourself after working so hard for decades to reach where I am right now. All my life I’ve used the time, energy, tears, and even blood to work all the way to graduation and finally work. But this is really a struggle. I’m back to square one and this time, there’s no flowchart that I need to follow or even serve as a guide.
2. I’m at a point in my life were I’m unsure of what I should do and where I should go. You can say that I’m lost but I’d rather consider myself as conflicted. I know that deep within me, I thirst for a time of rest, relaxation, and overall a time for myself. After years of working so hard to achieve where I am today, a college graduate, it felt like I’ve hindered myself from so many opportunities that came my way when I was too busy studying. I know it sounds bad and it seems like I’m full of regret; but I want to take this time to explore the things that made my happy back then before academics (and its side effects, e.g. bad mental health) took over my life.
3. Most of my peers are already working and earning. I remind myself not to feel pressured as we all have different paces; but I can’t help but think that I should be doing the same. See, I’m really conflicted with what I want to do with my life.
4. I’m afraid: of failures, of rejections; overall: of negativity. I’m afraid of blooming as a flower but being really late from everyone else. I’m scared of what the future holds and that just makes the present so hard to deal with.
5. I feel disconnected–from myself and everyone else. No words to explain this. It just really feels like it.
6. Yes, I may be overthinking. But the way I see it, every choice I make counts. It is hard to know what I want to do for sure; but it is especially hard when you want to do a lot of things all at once.

As much as I want to stay positive, I am not immune to vulnerability. I need to come to terms that it is alright to feel negative sometimes. But the thing is, I shouldn’t let this be. I know that in order to cross out these things, I need to move. I shouldn’t let all these thoughts take over me like how they’ve been at it for months already. It’s time I face these fears. 

These worries make all of me and this is just my way of organizing my thoughts. I am, like anyone else, human. It is certain that maybe some of you felt this way at some point in their life, or maybe even going through the same thing right now. Let me tell you that we can all be vulnerable and that in time, this too shall pass.